


Unfaithful

by silentlullabye



Series: As Much Series [2]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Character, Break Up, Can Murder Be Justified?, Drama, Emotionally Constipated Boys, Epic Couple's Spat, Future Fic, M/M, Mentions of Past Murder, Pining, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 11:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentlullabye/pseuds/silentlullabye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony reflects on why it ended, and how in his heart he can never be faithful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfaithful

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on ff.net August 2010.

Tony awoke with a start. It was early on a Saturday morning, and Mark was not lying beside him. He reached a hand over and felt the cold sheets where once had been a warm body. And then he remembered. Mark had to work today. But Tony’s team wasn’t on rotation this weekend. He settled back into his pillow and let out a sigh. It had been odd, seeing Gibbs last night. It had been, what, four years now?

Tony hated remembering the awful ending to their relationship. It was so much easier to look ahead, to be thankful for Mark and all of his wonderfulness. But every now and then, his mind would drift. Like now, lying alone in this bed, staring at the patch on the ceiling where there had once been a leak.

**.**

_In my heart the old love  
Struggled with the new;  
It was ghostly waking  
All night through._

**.**

He was back in _their_ bed on a Sunday night, waiting for Jethro to come up to bed. To leave his damn boat alone. 

They had been together for almost three years by that point, and Tony thought he knew almost everything there was to know about Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Maybe that was why they had been so perfect together, because Tony knew all of his flaws and put up with them. He had accepted that while Gibbs had finally worked up the nerve to clear out some of the boxes he had been unable to get rid of everything. Kelly’s room still bore the pink wallpaper, and the frilly pink bedspread. Her toys and knickknacks had been packed away along with her clothes and Shannon’s clothes, and everything Gibbs had been holding on to for years. Tony accepted the things Gibbs was unable to part with.

But on that night they were in a fight.

It had begun that morning, on the way to work. The case they had been working involved a man who had killed the man who had murdered his wife and daughter. It had hit a little too close to home for Gibbs, and Tony knew that. The whole team was on edge treading around Gibbs as if walking on eggshells. And Tony noticed Gibbs becoming more distant. They spoke less, and Tony knew that Gibbs was avoiding him. Eventually, Vance had pulled them off the case feeling that Gibbs could not set aside his feelings. The man who had gone looking for revenge for his wife and daughter was sentenced to five years in prison. The judge had gone easy on him, taking into consideration the circumstances.

But Gibbs was not happy. He felt it had been a justified killing, and he told Tony so. Tony, however, disagreed. He could see why the man had done what he had done, but the law was the law.

So that day, on their way down to lunch, Gibbs had turned off the elevator, and looked Tony square in the eyes.

“What would you do, DiNozzo, if your family was murdered? Wouldn’t you want revenge?” 

“I don’t know what I’d do. But the law is the law, and it’s murder. I can’t imagine that, even if I did seek revenge for my family, I would feel any better when I achieved it? How could I? Nothing would bring them back!”

Gibbs had glared at him. Tony had never seen him look so angry, and the fury in his eyes frightened him, but he would never show it.

“What? Jethro, what is it? What’s been up with you? Talk to me!” Tony had attempted to reason with him. But Gibbs turned the elevator back on. When they reached the first floor, Gibbs had gone, and with one look Tony knew not to follow.

Ziva had given him a ride home. Her driving had steadily improved, but she still ignored speed limits and most traffic signs.

He heard Gibbs downstairs, but went to bed to wait. After one in the morning, he knew that if they were going to talk he would have to initiate it.

Descending the stairs, the smell of sawdust came upon him, mixed with bourbon, and he could hear the television.

“Are we going to talk about earlier?”

Gibbs was sanding a section of his latest boat. “What about it?”

“Why this case had you so riled up.” Tony sat on one of the sawhorses, and took a drink from Gibbs’ cup.

No answer.

“Hey! Talk to me! Don’t shut me out!” He stood and reached for Gibbs’ shoulder, but he pulled away. So Tony grabbed both shoulders and physically turned Gibbs around to face him.

“Tony –”

“You promised you would stop doing this. That you would let me in. Don’t shut me out! Why are you upset?”

Gibbs threw his sander to the ground, and the paper fluttered away from its base. “Because I did it Tony! I killed that man!”

Tony was shocked and greatly confused. “You killed the guy in our case?”

Gibbs looked murderous, and Tony took a step back. “No, DiNozzo! That man, Pedro Hernandez. The guy who killed Shannon and Kelly! I killed him!”

Tony’s mouth fell open slightly.

“And no! I didn’t feel any better afterwards! I still don’t. It haunts me every day knowing that Shannon would’ve hated what I’ve done, what I did for her. I can see the look in her eyes. I see it in yours!”

There were no words to describe how Tony was feeling. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for his lover holding this in for all these years.

“Jethro –”

“That’s why this isn’t working Tony.”

“Wait, what?”

Gibbs leaned back on his table, and Tony stood stock still.

“This. You and me. You… you deserve so much better. I realize that.”

And in a few short words, Gibbs had ripped a hole in Tony’s heart. Nothing he could say could convince Gibbs that he didn’t want better, he wanted him. And so he ended up on McGee’s doorstep, with a suitcase and tears, which Abby was quick to soothe away. He hadn’t wanted to interrupt their newfound happiness but they had insisted he stay until he found a place and moved all of his things from their – no, Gibbs’ home.

Now, Tony pulled the covers tighter around himself, and remembered the ache in his chest for months after their breakup. Gibbs had retired very shortly afterward so Tony hadn’t had to see him at work.

**.**

_Dear things, kind things,  
That my old love said,  
Ranged themselves reproachfully  
Round my bed._

**.**

But he was happy now, with Mark. 

And he loved him. But…

**.**

_But I could not heed them,  
For I seemed to see  
The eyes of my new love  
Fixed on me._

**.**

Sometimes, Mark looked at him as if he knew. As if he knew Tony still kept a picture from before hidden away in his drawers.

It was almost as if Mark knew that while he had Tony’s attention, and Tony’s body, he didn’t have his heart. And last night had only brought those emotions to the surface in painful new ways.

And Tony, knew, deep down, that Gibbs still held his heart, and he always would.

And that because of that fact, he could never, truly, be faithful.

**.**

_Old love, old love,  
How can I be true?  
Shall I be faithless to myself  
Or to you?_

**Author's Note:**

> ** Disclaimer: NCIS is the property of Donald P. Bellisario, Don McGill, and CBS. **
> 
> The poem used is New Love and Old by Sara Teasdale.


End file.
